How deep does the rabbit hole of my soul actually go? I guess we are going to find out. Questioning my own humanity. Pondering how I can concern myself so much with the welfare of everyone around me, yet be so driven by self interest. The nagging ego constantly seeking what’s in it for me, what’s my motivation, what does this mean for me, and how will it make me appear to others. Me, me, me. Putting myself at the center of all things doesn’t prevent anyone else from doing the very same.
Wondering just how it is I can consider myself a “good” person while having these dark, self serving, thoughts and desires that I dare not share with even those closest to me, out of fear of judgment and rejection. I realize, then and there, that is the answer in itself. It is this paradox of self versus responsible citizenship that defines the human condition. My shallow sense of self is convincing me that this struggle is my own. It may be, but it is hardly unique. It is our shared battles of defining our “self” that make us part of a shared system. In the end, we all silently struggle alone, together.